His fingers ran through my hair. We talked. His fingers touched every corner of my skin. I was supposed to feel everything but I felt nothing.
Try to tell you no
But my body keeps on telling you yes
I be waking up
In the morning probably hating myself
And I be waking up
Feeling sastified but guilty as hell
I didn’t feel the butterflies I felt when you hugged me. I didn’t feel the spark in our kiss. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel the hate I wanted to feel for you. He did everything right but I still didn’t feel anything. Every time he touched me, I wanted to feel a part of you leave me. But it didn’t. He was in front of me, but I only saw you. I was supposed to feel everything but I felt nothing…
No matter where you are, I will always worry about you. I will always care about you. I’ll wonder whether you’re okay. I’ll wonder if you’re having a good time—whether you’re happy. All I ever want for you is to be happy. Seeing you distressed or down hurts me because you mean so much to me. No matter where you are, I will always care. But, to you—to you, it doesn’t matter if I’m next to you or if we are five hundred miles away; you’ll never care. It’s been two weeks since I last saw you, and these two weeks could never feel so long. It’s killing me not knowing how you are. I want to ask you. How are you? How’s your mom? Is she doing okay? How are your brothers? What have you been doing with your friends? Are you good? Truth is though, how can I ask you all this when you don’t even say hello? Give me all your sorrows. Give me your pain. Share with me your happiness. Because Edwin, nothing makes me more happy than seeing you happy; when you’re sad or in pain, I just want to take it all away. You don’t need to be worried about me. You don’t need to be happy for me. You don’t need to care for me, but I will—always. Always because…I don’t know.
Being weak is not an option. Breaking down is not an option. Crying is not an option. Crumbling to the bottom is not an option. Being irrational is not an option. Being unwise is not an option. Feeling shattered and defeated is not an option. Learn to cope with loneliness. It’s your friend. You’ve been here before and you know what? You can do it. Believe in yourself. Cope. Have strength. Try to let it go. Forgive but don’t forget. Don’t fear this unknown feeling, this emptiness. You’ve been on your own before. Truthfully, you’ve always been on your own. Learn. That’s all you can really do. Just let go and grow.
I hate you. I’m done with you. I had always stopped myself from taking this route but you know what? You did this. You used me. And that’s the one thing I can’t stand. You and I. I’m glad it never happened. And I will make sure it never will. You know how you thought you were progressively becoming an asshole? Well congrats, motherfucker, you are. I’m done loving you. I’m so exhausted by loving you. You broke my heart, cracked it in different places, stabbed it with your words and actions. So I declare this love over because this time the thread that was holding me all together has torn, the trust I had given back to you is broken, and my heart…well, you just shattered it.
You’re right next to me, just sitting. Our knees make the slightest contact. You’re so close but why do I feel a thousand miles away from you? So many miles separate our minds; it’s no wonder that my heart can’t find a way to your’s. This distance can’t be overcome, baby. So our knees continue to touch. And your fingers graze against my knuckles. You’re right next to me, just sitting. And that’s as close as we are ever going to get.
You make me so mad. You make me absolutely furious. In every single of your words, your comments, I taste the hate. I feel it too. The words you say pierce me in every single way, like thousands of tiny needles just pushing into me. You make me feel exhausted. You make me feel tired. You make me feel used. You make me feel like my time is slipping away. You make me feel like I don’t know my priorities. You make me feel irrelevant and just plain stupid. You make me feel like giving up—on you and the world. You make me think of the things that bother me. You make me feel like I could do better but I’m not allowed to. You scare me because I can’t trust you. You seem like such a nice guy but I can’t trust you. You look at me with eyes full of pity—pity at the fact that even after so many months, I still cannot fucking get the hint that it will never be. You make me lose hope in so many things: love, relationships, friendships. You make me question myself. You make my friends question me. You make me seem so weak. You make me cry. You make me want to punch you in the face for putting up with the facade of a guy that I could love so easily. You made me love you and you don’t feel the same. You committed this horrible crime and you know what you did. You are so aware and yet so naive. You make me feel all this but every time you smile or we share that small touch or have that special conversation, all these feelings leave no trace in my brain, and in one second, I love you all over again. You don’t allow me to let go.